I’ve lost interest in a lot of things that I used to enjoy. I’ve stopped learning a new language and a new skill. I’ve lost my eagerness to design anything, or the flow I used to have when I do it. I can’t even remember the last time I cooked for the mere pleasure of it. And sadly, too, I’ve again lost my will to write.
I feel like I’m just floating by, slowly drifting away. Drifting to a place where there are no more chances. I feel like I’ve lost all reason to fight the current because every effort is just as useless as the last.
I’m not writing this because I’m puzzled with what is happening to me. I am writing this because I’m not. I recognize the things that may lead me deeper down the bottom of the well. After so many things that happened, I’ve drained all my energy that I cannot even dodge the simplest thing anymore. I just watch them come in slow motion and close my eyes as I wait for them to hit me. Xxx. I cannot feel anything anymore. I cannot even step forward, nor back. I just look at things and wait until someone grabs hold of my heart and grips it tightly until it cannot beat properly anymore.
I am slowly losing myself. Xxx. And somehow, I keep whispering to myself that I want to disappear, I want to disappear.
12 April 2015; Baler, Aurora